Is My Teen Okay?

Yes, and no.  That’s a complicated question, and one that most parents of teens wonder.  Parents often suddenly feel disconnected from their teen. They have no idea what is going on in their mind or their lives and it’s often hard to tell from the surface if the teen is ok.  Honestly, your teen isn’t even sure if they are ok.

Your teen is going through a lot of physical and emotional changes that can make it seem like they are completely out of control and irrational.  Their bodies and brains are growing at an incredible rate.  School demands are increasing each year with a strong and pressuring emphasis on getting into THE BEST college.  Friends are coming and going. And, I often find that teens are constantly working through competing needs that they don’t know how to share because they can’t always put words to them, and aren’t willing to be vulnerable enough to share them.  They are simultaneously trying to meet the needs for independence and nurturing. They want to feel, and be seen as, independent.  They are coming into adulthood and are very aware of that.  At the same time, they want to be nurtured, taken care of.  But they will never be caught dead telling you that they need you.  In their minds they are grown and need to show that.

Here’s where you, trusted adult, come in. ( I say trusted adult, because this really applies to all of the adults in a teens life, not just parents)  The best ways you can support your teen is to first keep these needs in mind.  Remind yourself that they are figuring a lot out, and just because they say they don’t say it, they need you.  So ask how they’re doing, set aside time for them, nurture them in those ways you always have.   I know what you are thinking – they don’t let me.  Don’t stop trying.  Don’t let it be an option.  Ignore the negative response (easier said than done), including the eye roll, complaint, and attitude.  Deep down they really need you, they just don’t know how to say that.

And give them space to fail.  I’m not talking anything monumental, like failing high school, or getting injured.  Let them miss that assignment deadline.  Let them be sleep through their alarm and miss first period.  Let them say the wrong thing, wear the wrong thing, do the wrong thing.  Because they need to learn how to fix their mistakes.  They need to learn to feel what it’s like to make a mistake.  They need to learn what it means to be grown, but in small ways.  I like to think of parents and the school system as a safety net.  Allow teens to make the mistakes they need to make in order to learn, with you and their support system as a safety net.  Then when they are actually grown, they have some tools in their belt to be able to handle what life brings them.

I want to clarify that there are some things to look for that are outside of reasonable mistakes.  If your child is demonstrating any unsafe behaviors or thoughts, intervene immediately.

Parenting teens is hard work.  I’d love to join you on that journey of supporting your teen through critical years, while maintaining your sanity, because it is possible.

-Stephanie Samudio, LCSW

Why Does Fighting Have To Be a Negative Thing?

Let’s be honest, relationships of any kind can be difficult and expressing emotions is not easy. Now add an array of life stressors and it can make sense why fighting amongst people can become explosive, full of miscommunications, filled with mis-directed emotions, and can be a difficult cycle to break. A big difference in relationships that prosper and those that stay stuck is the WAY in which they handle disagreements.

As a therapist whether I’m working with an individual, a couple, or a family, a common goal people want is to have healthier and happier relationships. Life puts a strain on relationships so it is normal that with additional stress comes an increase in arguments, disagreements, and feeling like you are not being valued nor heard in your relationship. So the question I get asked all the time is, how? How do I/we stop having this distress in relationships? I will never encourage clients to set a goal of never fighting in their relationships. I help clients reframe their exceptions that the function of fighting is to express your emotional and relationship opinions and needs. I teach clients how to “fight fair” and learn how to express themselves in a healthy way. Everyone is valid to feel how they feel, but what improves relationships is effective emotional expression, healthy boundaries, and learning how to identify your responsibility and ability to do both.

Rules for Fighting Fair

1. Ask yourself what are the real reasons you feel upset. It is never really about the dirty dishes left in the sink or the dirty clothes left on the ground. It can be about gathering evidence as to why you feel you are not valued nor being heard about what you need from your partner. So take a step back and ask yourself, what am I really upset about? Without self awareness of your true emotions, you will not know how to work towards a resolution.

2.Only discuss ONE issue at a time. It can be easy for fights to morph into other issues, especially unresolved ones from the past. This can be tough but keep each other focused on the issue at hand. Keep this boundary, it is the only way to keep control of the disagreement.

3. Take responsibility for the way you feel. Express your feelings using “I statements.” Do NOT play the blame game when discussing important issues in your relationship. Instead of saying “you make me angry because you always do…,” reframe it to say, “I feel angry when…” Pointing fingers will only put up defenses and cause a barrier for any healthy communication to happen.

4. No degrading language. Discussing sensitive topics is hard and can trigger a variety of deep emotions. This can lead to impulsive outbursts such as using words or statements that you do not truly mean but will not be able to take back once said.

5. Take turns. We often listen to respond and not to understand. Try to set a timer so each person gets their turn to express themselves. Then whoever is listening does not have to worry about getting their turn, they only need to focus on truly listening.

6. No stonewalling. It can be easy during an emotionally charged conversation to want to go into a shell and not speak. However, doing this will only make it impossible to resolve the issue.

7. No yelling. Being the loudest does not mean anything you are saying is actually being heard. If you feel yourself starting to get heated and your tone of voice begins to escalate, take 5 deeps breaths to slow your mind and body down.

8. Be prepared to take a time out if things begin to escalate. If the conversation continues to get too heated and taking deep breaths just is not working, then take a time out. BUT, set a time to continue the conversation. Too often when people take a time out they never go back and the issues will only keep coming up in the future.

Set a goal of coming to some kind of understanding or compromise. Relationships are give and take and resolving conflict is the same. This does not necessarily mean you come to the exact agreement or that it will be a perfect resolution where each person gets exactly what they wanted. But sometimes even coming to understand how the other person is feeling and validating that is a solution.

During an argument many people want to either win the argument or want to be heard. Fighting fair requires that either person in the relationship work to communicate effectively so they will not further damage each other or their relationship during difficult times. Use the above rules during your next disagreement and see how you can replace destructive ways of arguing with more constructive ones.

All my support,

     Samantha 🙂

Miscarriage Matters

Spring is officially here! Hopefully the weather cooperates soon 😉 Spring is a time of renewal, learning to form and embrace a new version of yourself.

The Centered Life recently partnered with the blog talk radio show “Miscarriage Matters” as a part of the series Renewal of Body, Mind, and Soul. I was invited to be a guest by Danielle Langford. Danielle is an Empowerment Specialist and Workshop Facilitator, who created pinkempowers.com and is also the host of Miscarriage Matters. Miscarriage Matters is a radio show educating the public about miscarriage and loss and how it truly affects a person by offering friendship and a listening ear.

Miscarriage is important to talk about as it happens to women and families everywhere. Miscarriage does not discriminate. Through my work with clients who have experienced a miscarriage, I have gathered that there seems to be this attached shame of talking about it and rushed sense of needing to grieve quickly or if at all. Miscarriage Matters radio exists to let you know that you are not alone and to offer support.

Renewal involves establishing the new normal. Specifically, it is learning to form and embrace a “new version” of yourself with the loss now being a part of you; as a part of your identity.

 

Here are 8 helpful aspects to consider as you start your journey towards a “new normal”:

  1. First and foremost, know that you are not alone. You will never get over the miscarriage, but you can get through it.
  1. Allow yourself to grieve! Allow yourself to go through the grieving process by acknowledging the loss and learning to sit with the pain and to seek support.
  2. Increase your self-care by challenging feelings of guilt, getting involved in things that promote empowerment, and embracing self-love.
  1. Find your sense of self again. Give yourself permission to go through the grieving process- no matter what that looks like.
  1. We are emotional beings: express yourself through the process. Allow yourself to cry, be sad, and be angry, etc.
  1. It is okay to laugh! Experiencing joy is okay, even when you feel sadness and pain.
  1. Renewal starts when you are ready; sometimes loss becomes more painful, before it gets better
  1. Know that your experience is unique and grief is not linear. With that being said, there is no time frame or formula for grief. Everyone grieves differently and that is okay. It all depends on the culture, background, experience, situation, and of course the individual.

 

I encourage you to seek counseling as it can be tremendously helpful to validate your experience. Additionally, I encourage you to seek support through a religious or spiritual affiliation, volunteering, joining a club or organization, and from family/friends. As Danielle said in the show, “Sometimes you need to go outside, to get renewed inside”.

Please be sure to tune in weekly on Tuesdays at 7pm CST to listen to Danielle Langford and Miscarriage Matters. You can connect with Danielle and the rest of the Miscarriage Matters team at blogtalkradio.com/miscarriagematters. You can email them mmradio@mymiscarriagematters.org. I also encourage you to check out Danielle’s website here for inspiration and a schedule of her upcoming workshops!

You can listen to this radio show segment HERE .

 

Best,

Jennifer

 

 

 

Healthy Communication

The Most Common Communication Mistakes Couples Make
And The Profound Impact a Small Shift Can Have on Your Relationship

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Think about the last argument, you and your significant other had…. What did you say? How did they respond? It may have sounded something like:

You never listen to me!”
“You’re always on your phone, you don’t care about spending time with me!”

We are all guilty of using statements like these. Statements that start with “you” and use absolutes like “always” and “never.” When we feel emotional or upset, it’s easy to blame our partner for the way we feel. When we communicate using “you” statements, we direct blame towards our partner, causing them to feel defensive. This form of communication can quickly escalate from an intention to communicate your feelings, into a class A, full-blown fight.

THE SHIFT: “I statements” and how to use them

“I statements” are a form of communication that help you take personal responsibility for your emotions- rather than falsely attributing them to your partner. They help you assertively communicate how a problematic behavior in your partner, effects you- without judgement or blame.

MAKING AN “I STATEMENT”:

Remember, the intention of an “I statement” is to express how you feel in response to your partner’s behavior. This includes using words that describe your emotions such as “angry, anxious, lonely, content, happy, excited”.
BEWARE OF “YOU STATEMENTS” DISGUISED AS “I STATEMENTS” !

Using statements such as ” I feel ignored, manipulated, controlled….” These are “you statements” and descriptions of your partners behavior. These are not words that describe emotions.
Another common mistake when using “I statements” is saying “I feel like you are ignoring me…” This statement implies blame and there is not a description of any emotions.

To better understand how to shift a “you statement” into an “I statement”, check out the chart below:

 

 

With a little education and practice, a fundamental shift happens. Partners learn to take individual responsibility in managing their emotions while accurately expressing themselves to their partner. Couples feel a greater sense of understanding for one another and this increases their bond in a profound way!

The Centered Life Team