The Most Common Communication Mistakes Couples Make
And The Profound Impact a Small Shift Can Have on Your Relationship
Think about the last argument, you and your significant other had…. What did you say? How did they respond? It may have sounded something like:
“You never listen to me!”
“You’re always on your phone, you don’t care about spending time with me!”
We are all guilty of using statements like these. Statements that start with “you” and use absolutes like “always” and “never.” When we feel emotional or upset, it’s easy to blame our partner for the way we feel. When we communicate using “you” statements, we direct blame towards our partner, causing them to feel defensive. This form of communication can quickly escalate from an intention to communicate your feelings, into a class A, full-blown fight.
THE SHIFT: “I statements” and how to use them
“I statements” are a form of communication that help you take personal responsibility for your emotions- rather than falsely attributing them to your partner. They help you assertively communicate how a problematic behavior in your partner, effects you- without judgement or blame.
MAKING AN “I STATEMENT”:
Remember, the intention of an “I statement” is to express how you feel in response to your partner’s behavior. This includes using words that describe your emotions such as “angry, anxious, lonely, content, happy, excited”.
BEWARE OF “YOU STATEMENTS” DISGUISED AS “I STATEMENTS” !
Using statements such as ” I feel ignored, manipulated, controlled….” These are “you statements” and descriptions of your partners behavior. These are not words that describe emotions.
Another common mistake when using “I statements” is saying “I feel like you are ignoring me…” This statement implies blame and there is not a description of any emotions.
To better understand how to shift a “you statement” into an “I statement”, check out the chart below:
With a little education and practice, a fundamental shift happens. Partners learn to take individual responsibility in managing their emotions while accurately expressing themselves to their partner. Couples feel a greater sense of understanding for one another and this increases their bond in a profound way!
The Centered Life Team